That Thing

So I think I know a cause of all the emotional crap. I'm not special like I use to be. Everyone moved on and I was replaced. Perhaps it's that I was never put in a place that I thought I would be. Let me explain in points:
1. Marcos took over groups and the love from Mick. It also stopped me from making relationships with the people who visit. This SUCKS.
2. I thought I'd get to spend a little more time with Lee and Ruthie. I do get to...but it doesn't seem that they really seek it out. Sucks.
3. I was told that I would be able to make friends with Marcos and Saul to have some good guy friends. Saul is too busy planning a wedding/church planting. Marcos doesn't really care to have a friendship with me. Sucks.
4. I thought Megan and I would become great friends. Though she is my best friend here in Mexico, it's not like the good friendships I'm use to in the States. She doesn't really seek out a ton of time to spend with me. Sucks.
5. Rarely do I get personal invitations to things with other staff members that are Mexican. I would like a closer relationship there.

I dunno...essentially I've been hurt by lack of love. Despite the fact that I know it's about me loving others and not receiving it back, I still hurt without it. I'm praying that God helps me.

Frustration

I just realized that I am rather frustrated. I'm not ok with something going on, even though I know I'm doing what I need to do. How do I not be bitter about something I don't think should be happening but that must be done? AHHHHHHH! I really just wanna scream.

Life keeps on going

It's Thursday. My 'day off' that I have chosen. It's in parenthesis because I really have no day off. I work 7 days a week. Sometimes it seems like work and sometimes it doesn't seem like I do anything but live in Mexico. I love it. Today I'm gonna go to a coffee house and read/write a little. This afternoon some of us are going to Chili's!!! Now to most Americans that may not be a huge deal...but that is really special for us here. We have to drive about 45 minutes to get there. I'm excited.
I am so incredibly blessed in my life. I really do love it. I've been falling more and more in love with God. I've been getting closer and closer to people. I think I've been slightly more closed off to others than I should be, but I'm working on it. I am healthier than most people in the world. I always have food and water when I NEED it. I'm incredibly blessed.
I miss my family. Not one of those, "AHHHH, I'm crying all night and drawing black circles on the wall" type of thing, but I miss them. As I get old I actually, inside, become more and more attached to my sisters and brother. I do love them and wish I could see them more. I try to call...but my internet access has been less than stellar lately. I hope they know how much I love them. (tearing up now) I also really love and appreciate the parents I've been given. They visited last week and it was fantastic. They are incredible.
Finally, I can't believe Christ would really die for me. I accept it and it still blows my mind. All the stuff leading up to that event. All the things that have happened since. How can I do anything less than give all I am? How can I put my selfishness in front of His purpose anymore? I pray that I continue to be refined into the man of God that I need to be in order to change the world for Him. Thanks God.

Nature

I just finished reading a book about a roadtrip across the USA. There were many parts about nature and our place in it all. About the trees, stars, grass, canyons, and mountains. I miss the outside. I miss seeing large expanses of land covered in grass and corn. I miss the smell of fresh air. The tranquility of a place that is not completely encompassed with fake, lifeless buildings and where the ground has become cement and concrete. There is something freeing and enlightening about being in nature. Sleeping outside. Working in the heat with your shirt off. Something is just amazing about it all. I am going to try to find a forest or a jungle type area to visit. I don't know if I want to take many people. I don't know if I will go with anyone. I need time to really connect with God, nature, and possibly one or two people. The purity of the world only slightly corrupted because man has not yet changed it to his liking.

Understanding Love

So I love this girl. Not in a creepy way. I mean, she doesn't feel the same way back but that does not negate the truth of how I feel. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and scared by the fact that I thought I felt this strong. I do feel that strong. I see nothing wrong with it. People freak out about things when you say you love them though. See, I want what is best for her. I want to protect her. I want to be the best friend I can be for her. Yes, I would love to have it reciprocated and for us to have a life together.....but the fact that she does not feel the same in no way changes how I feel. It does not change that I want her to be happy. I'm not/I don't love her because I want her love back. I just love her. I can't really explain it.
I came to the realization that I think this is how God is with us a lot of times. He loves us and would like to have our love back. He'll do whatever He can to show us His love for us. He will not stop. Yet, He will not stop loving us just because we don't love and reciprocate. He just loves us. God is love and He can't help but love us. When we realize He loves us we have to make a choice of whether to love back or not. It's a choice on how we respond.