Thinking

I need a more stable thought life. I need more passion for God. Perhaps I'll just start writing again. About all the things I care about. Let my emotions out in words. Here you go:


I started to give up on ever finding someone,
Someone to love and protect,
It's not that I don't care but I'm tired of failing,
I'm tired of feeling and having hurt feelings.
It's not that I'm a pessimist,
I'm just really terrified,
Terrified of someone loving me for me,
Having given up opportunities.
I'm tired of failing God,
Of not living the way I know I need to,
I don't like knowing my integrity isn't solid,
I want to be free.
Freedom seems a dream....

Morn'n Mass

So I have changed my morning routine. On Tuesdays and Wednesdays I will no longer be exercising early morning. Why? One is because of lack of sleep and the other reason is because I want to start my day off with reading my Bible and with prayer. I think making a habit of God being pretty much the first thing is a good idea. I'll be exercising, just not early in the morning usually. I'm enjoying the Psalms right now. David still really reminds me of myself. Maybe if I was king people would 'understand' me better. I mean, he seemed to be very emotional as well. Maybe he was less vocal though. Perhaps I should keep my emotional side for my poetry, songs, and closest friends. I dunno. I just know that I really love God and I want to serve Him best I can. That is more important that exhausting myself to get a 6-pack in my ab area.

The Way I am

I must admit, my inclinations are sometimes annoying. I am overbearing at times. My desire for communication is like the desire a zombie has for brains. I update Facebook ALL the time. I text people as much as I can. I talk to most people I come into contact with. I desire love and affirmation more than is good, at times. I pray that God will shape and mold me. Sometimes I act like a little kid in my longing for people's approval and love. I pray that I seek my affirmation and worth in God first. In His eyes I can be all I can be. I  must have confidence and stop trying to control everything. God is good and my life is blessed. Thanks God.

Time Passes

Time sure has flown lately. This month has been full of changes and such. I've taken the time to go out on a bus to different places. I've made new friends. Perhaps instead of writing...I can put some pictures that will explain better. :-)

This is Jen and her kids. I met her on an airplane. She invited me to church in Mexico City. I now try to visit once or twice a month. She has become like an older sister. Her kids are like my niece and nephew. I enjoy Sundays with them.

It was really hot one day. So we had some water in our 'pool.' I sunbathed a little.
















We celebrated children's day. Some of the Mexican 'scouts' came and had games for the kids. It was a good time. I enjoy seeing them all laugh and play.

This is my friend Jacky. I met her in Pachuca when I went there to see some missionary friends. She's cool. We are staying on contact. Who knows?

Victor and Gerza. Two awesome guys I met in Pachuca. They make me laugh.

Smile

When I don't exactly know what to do...I smile. Somehow that seems to diffuse too much happiness or too little happiness. That may sound weird, but it's true. A smile is on the brightside of life but not too far that you become oblivious to the realities around you.
I have smiled a lot this week. I got to see that my friend Lee was sick, but ok. That made me smile. I got talk to my friend Megan briefly today, she makes me smile. I was able to think about the potential things I'll be doing with Steve over the summer, that made me smile. I watched my boys play soccer, that made me smile. I made a hamburger out of leftovers in the kitchen, that made me smile. I was invited to a weekend in Pachuca, that made me smile. I felt alone and didn't know what to do, that made me smile. I felt rejected and unwanted, that made me smile. I realized my own inadequacies, that made me smile. I was in a lot of pain, that made me smile. I was almost too tired to function, that made me smile. I realized that I'm loved by a LOT of people but perhaps only wanted by few, that made me smile. I've been smiling in the good and the bad. Life is good and so I smile.

That Thing

So I think I know a cause of all the emotional crap. I'm not special like I use to be. Everyone moved on and I was replaced. Perhaps it's that I was never put in a place that I thought I would be. Let me explain in points:
1. Marcos took over groups and the love from Mick. It also stopped me from making relationships with the people who visit. This SUCKS.
2. I thought I'd get to spend a little more time with Lee and Ruthie. I do get to...but it doesn't seem that they really seek it out. Sucks.
3. I was told that I would be able to make friends with Marcos and Saul to have some good guy friends. Saul is too busy planning a wedding/church planting. Marcos doesn't really care to have a friendship with me. Sucks.
4. I thought Megan and I would become great friends. Though she is my best friend here in Mexico, it's not like the good friendships I'm use to in the States. She doesn't really seek out a ton of time to spend with me. Sucks.
5. Rarely do I get personal invitations to things with other staff members that are Mexican. I would like a closer relationship there.

I dunno...essentially I've been hurt by lack of love. Despite the fact that I know it's about me loving others and not receiving it back, I still hurt without it. I'm praying that God helps me.

Frustration

I just realized that I am rather frustrated. I'm not ok with something going on, even though I know I'm doing what I need to do. How do I not be bitter about something I don't think should be happening but that must be done? AHHHHHHH! I really just wanna scream.

Life keeps on going

It's Thursday. My 'day off' that I have chosen. It's in parenthesis because I really have no day off. I work 7 days a week. Sometimes it seems like work and sometimes it doesn't seem like I do anything but live in Mexico. I love it. Today I'm gonna go to a coffee house and read/write a little. This afternoon some of us are going to Chili's!!! Now to most Americans that may not be a huge deal...but that is really special for us here. We have to drive about 45 minutes to get there. I'm excited.
I am so incredibly blessed in my life. I really do love it. I've been falling more and more in love with God. I've been getting closer and closer to people. I think I've been slightly more closed off to others than I should be, but I'm working on it. I am healthier than most people in the world. I always have food and water when I NEED it. I'm incredibly blessed.
I miss my family. Not one of those, "AHHHH, I'm crying all night and drawing black circles on the wall" type of thing, but I miss them. As I get old I actually, inside, become more and more attached to my sisters and brother. I do love them and wish I could see them more. I try to call...but my internet access has been less than stellar lately. I hope they know how much I love them. (tearing up now) I also really love and appreciate the parents I've been given. They visited last week and it was fantastic. They are incredible.
Finally, I can't believe Christ would really die for me. I accept it and it still blows my mind. All the stuff leading up to that event. All the things that have happened since. How can I do anything less than give all I am? How can I put my selfishness in front of His purpose anymore? I pray that I continue to be refined into the man of God that I need to be in order to change the world for Him. Thanks God.

Nature

I just finished reading a book about a roadtrip across the USA. There were many parts about nature and our place in it all. About the trees, stars, grass, canyons, and mountains. I miss the outside. I miss seeing large expanses of land covered in grass and corn. I miss the smell of fresh air. The tranquility of a place that is not completely encompassed with fake, lifeless buildings and where the ground has become cement and concrete. There is something freeing and enlightening about being in nature. Sleeping outside. Working in the heat with your shirt off. Something is just amazing about it all. I am going to try to find a forest or a jungle type area to visit. I don't know if I want to take many people. I don't know if I will go with anyone. I need time to really connect with God, nature, and possibly one or two people. The purity of the world only slightly corrupted because man has not yet changed it to his liking.

Understanding Love

So I love this girl. Not in a creepy way. I mean, she doesn't feel the same way back but that does not negate the truth of how I feel. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and scared by the fact that I thought I felt this strong. I do feel that strong. I see nothing wrong with it. People freak out about things when you say you love them though. See, I want what is best for her. I want to protect her. I want to be the best friend I can be for her. Yes, I would love to have it reciprocated and for us to have a life together.....but the fact that she does not feel the same in no way changes how I feel. It does not change that I want her to be happy. I'm not/I don't love her because I want her love back. I just love her. I can't really explain it.
I came to the realization that I think this is how God is with us a lot of times. He loves us and would like to have our love back. He'll do whatever He can to show us His love for us. He will not stop. Yet, He will not stop loving us just because we don't love and reciprocate. He just loves us. God is love and He can't help but love us. When we realize He loves us we have to make a choice of whether to love back or not. It's a choice on how we respond.

Been awhile

It's been awhile. A lot has happened lately...but I'm not ready to write about it yet.

Changes

Different co-workers in different places. Different exercise routine. Different relationships with people from my past. Different foods and different books. Different in the way I view my work and my friendships. Things have changed a bit in only 3 weeks.
I have completed 2 weeks of the insanity workout program. It's gruelingly tough and takes no time for mercy. I enjoy it and can already see a large improvement in my physicality.
I am searching for the right woman to be my wife, but I'm not dwelling on it. I'm making a lot of female friends and a few guy friends. I'm just trying to make sure I have a decent amount of people to spend life with.
I'm reading a new book about every 1.5-2 weeks. I'm enjoying my new reading habit. I'm also tearing through the Bible right now. David's story is getting good.
I'm eating more...due to my exercise, I'm gonna diet though. Well, make better choices in what I consume.
I have decided to allow myself to have a life outside of my institution. I may be going to the CITY this next weekend in order to meet and hang out with an acquaintance that I met on an airplane and meet some new people. I get my work done and then live...assuming that living my life in a Godly way will show the boys how to do the same.
I love where I am and what I do. I have my downs as well...but overall, not much to complain about. I want a few more friendships and to have Abs of steel...but other than that, w00t for me.

Changes are a com'n

Lots of changes coming here. Some will start today and some will start in a couple weeks. Many of use here at NDM are bracing ourselves for a needed change that will also be hard to deal with at first probably. I'm excited for the future though. I'm also gonna clarify my intentions and how I think to a co-worker. I hate having unsaid things that make situations awkward...people just need to balls up and say what they need to say.

English again..for now

I've not written in awhile. Since then I have celebrated Christmas and New Year's Eve. I have gone to the USA and returned. I have hurt my knee and not exercised hard for about 3 weeks. I have vastly improved in my Spanish, gracias a Dios. I have hung out with Megan a little more. I have hit a low point and I have come back through with strength and a few scars. I have purchased a TV. I have built closer relationships with the kids. In other words....since I last wrote, I have lived a great life.