Thinking

I need a more stable thought life. I need more passion for God. Perhaps I'll just start writing again. About all the things I care about. Let my emotions out in words. Here you go:


I started to give up on ever finding someone,
Someone to love and protect,
It's not that I don't care but I'm tired of failing,
I'm tired of feeling and having hurt feelings.
It's not that I'm a pessimist,
I'm just really terrified,
Terrified of someone loving me for me,
Having given up opportunities.
I'm tired of failing God,
Of not living the way I know I need to,
I don't like knowing my integrity isn't solid,
I want to be free.
Freedom seems a dream....

Morn'n Mass

So I have changed my morning routine. On Tuesdays and Wednesdays I will no longer be exercising early morning. Why? One is because of lack of sleep and the other reason is because I want to start my day off with reading my Bible and with prayer. I think making a habit of God being pretty much the first thing is a good idea. I'll be exercising, just not early in the morning usually. I'm enjoying the Psalms right now. David still really reminds me of myself. Maybe if I was king people would 'understand' me better. I mean, he seemed to be very emotional as well. Maybe he was less vocal though. Perhaps I should keep my emotional side for my poetry, songs, and closest friends. I dunno. I just know that I really love God and I want to serve Him best I can. That is more important that exhausting myself to get a 6-pack in my ab area.

The Way I am

I must admit, my inclinations are sometimes annoying. I am overbearing at times. My desire for communication is like the desire a zombie has for brains. I update Facebook ALL the time. I text people as much as I can. I talk to most people I come into contact with. I desire love and affirmation more than is good, at times. I pray that God will shape and mold me. Sometimes I act like a little kid in my longing for people's approval and love. I pray that I seek my affirmation and worth in God first. In His eyes I can be all I can be. I  must have confidence and stop trying to control everything. God is good and my life is blessed. Thanks God.

Time Passes

Time sure has flown lately. This month has been full of changes and such. I've taken the time to go out on a bus to different places. I've made new friends. Perhaps instead of writing...I can put some pictures that will explain better. :-)

This is Jen and her kids. I met her on an airplane. She invited me to church in Mexico City. I now try to visit once or twice a month. She has become like an older sister. Her kids are like my niece and nephew. I enjoy Sundays with them.

It was really hot one day. So we had some water in our 'pool.' I sunbathed a little.
















We celebrated children's day. Some of the Mexican 'scouts' came and had games for the kids. It was a good time. I enjoy seeing them all laugh and play.

This is my friend Jacky. I met her in Pachuca when I went there to see some missionary friends. She's cool. We are staying on contact. Who knows?

Victor and Gerza. Two awesome guys I met in Pachuca. They make me laugh.

Smile

When I don't exactly know what to do...I smile. Somehow that seems to diffuse too much happiness or too little happiness. That may sound weird, but it's true. A smile is on the brightside of life but not too far that you become oblivious to the realities around you.
I have smiled a lot this week. I got to see that my friend Lee was sick, but ok. That made me smile. I got talk to my friend Megan briefly today, she makes me smile. I was able to think about the potential things I'll be doing with Steve over the summer, that made me smile. I watched my boys play soccer, that made me smile. I made a hamburger out of leftovers in the kitchen, that made me smile. I was invited to a weekend in Pachuca, that made me smile. I felt alone and didn't know what to do, that made me smile. I felt rejected and unwanted, that made me smile. I realized my own inadequacies, that made me smile. I was in a lot of pain, that made me smile. I was almost too tired to function, that made me smile. I realized that I'm loved by a LOT of people but perhaps only wanted by few, that made me smile. I've been smiling in the good and the bad. Life is good and so I smile.

That Thing

So I think I know a cause of all the emotional crap. I'm not special like I use to be. Everyone moved on and I was replaced. Perhaps it's that I was never put in a place that I thought I would be. Let me explain in points:
1. Marcos took over groups and the love from Mick. It also stopped me from making relationships with the people who visit. This SUCKS.
2. I thought I'd get to spend a little more time with Lee and Ruthie. I do get to...but it doesn't seem that they really seek it out. Sucks.
3. I was told that I would be able to make friends with Marcos and Saul to have some good guy friends. Saul is too busy planning a wedding/church planting. Marcos doesn't really care to have a friendship with me. Sucks.
4. I thought Megan and I would become great friends. Though she is my best friend here in Mexico, it's not like the good friendships I'm use to in the States. She doesn't really seek out a ton of time to spend with me. Sucks.
5. Rarely do I get personal invitations to things with other staff members that are Mexican. I would like a closer relationship there.

I dunno...essentially I've been hurt by lack of love. Despite the fact that I know it's about me loving others and not receiving it back, I still hurt without it. I'm praying that God helps me.

Frustration

I just realized that I am rather frustrated. I'm not ok with something going on, even though I know I'm doing what I need to do. How do I not be bitter about something I don't think should be happening but that must be done? AHHHHHHH! I really just wanna scream.